


What Happened

by TheUltamate



Series: The May 11th Incident [2]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Babysitting, Equiusbot, Gen, Neighbor Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-11
Updated: 2011-05-15
Packaged: 2017-10-15 13:49:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/161445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUltamate/pseuds/TheUltamate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two words: Gamzee babysitting.<br/>It does not end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which the Story Begins

**Author's Note:**

> WELL FOLKS What Happened is starting. Will Gamzee be able to explain the current state of affairs? Will Kanaya be kind and mothering? Will Aradia be boring?  
> PROBABLY
> 
> Also, boring and short first chapter is boring and short.

Gamzee heard the bus scream out of the driveway, smash the mailbox across the street, and clank off into the distance. This was mildly irritating, and he turned up the volume on the episode of _Uranus and Jupiter_ he was watching. He laughed at Uranus's drunken antics, took a hearty swill of Faygo, and reflected that today was a good day, largely forgetting the fact that Nepeta had bitten his leg earlier.

Then the doorbell rang. Gamzee didn't react. It rang again. Gamzee, again, did nothing. Whoever was ringing the bell then decided to hammer the button repeatedly.

Kanaya called from upstairs: "Gamzee, can you get that?"

Gamzee mumbled something in response and heaved himself up and stumbled over to the door, fumbled with the handle, and opened the door to see an overweight man with a bulbous nose, thick glasses, and an embarrassing combover, breathing heavily. Next to him was a small child, maybe around seven Terran solar sweeps old.

"Can you..." the man wheezed in a nasally voice, "...take care of...of my son while I go...to Home Depot and buy...a new mailbox? The...the neighborhood inspection is...is..." He coughed, "is today."

Gamzee stared directly past the man and smiled. "Sure, my motherfuckin' motherfucker. I'll watch the motherfuck out of him."

The man only noticed the word 'sure.' He wheezed a hasty "thanks," shoved his son inside, and waddled back across the street.

Gamzee closed the door and looked at the kid. The kid stared back. Gamzee started back back. The kid stared back back back. Eventually: "well, shit, don't be so quiet. What's your name?"

The child quietly mumbled "Brady."

"Well, fuck, that's a good name." He held out his Faygo bottle. "Want some Faygo?"

Brady shook his head. "Food."

"Well, come on, then. Let's go get some mad snacks, yo."

\------

"Man," Gamzee stood in the kitchen, Brady at the table, "Kanaya locked all the motherfuckin' cabinets again. Kanaya!" Gamzee stumbled into the house's entry hall and shouted up the stairs, "Kanaya! Kanaya!"

Kanaya called down from her room, "I have told you, Gamzee, I am bandaging Feferi's wounds. Now, what is it?"

"Why are the cabinets locked?"

"Because ever since the casserole incident it's been decided it is for the best that you do not cook."

"Oh, yeah." Gamzee grinned in remembrance of the Triple Cheese Chocolate Syrup Funnyun Casserole. That one was a keeper. Terezi even managed to hold it down for a full seventeen minutes! "Well, can you unlock them?"

"Why should I do that?"

"Because this motherfuckin' motherfucker over here is in some dire need of some eats, man."

"Gamzee, remember what I have told you about being more specific. Who?"

"Brady. He's in the kitchen."

"Brady?" By now, Kanaya was walking down the stairs.

"Yeah, that kid." Gamzee pointed into the kitchen, where Brady was making engine noises and swinging around a salt shaker.

Kanaya followed Gamzee's finger. Her eyes bulged. "Gamzee! Wha-where did he come from?"

"Oh, the fat guy with the yapbeast from across the street came over here and said something about a mailbox, and then he left Brady here, and I think I agreed to watch the motherfucker."

Kanaya bustled into the kitchen, completely ignoring Gamzee. At last, after many sweeps, she finally had something to genuinely _mother._ "Hello. My name is Kanaya. You are Brady?"

Brady nodded. "I hungry."

Kanaya unlocked the pantry with a key from her pocket. "Well, I will see what we have. Most of us just left on a grocery run, so we probably will not have-"

In the back, dusty corner of the pantry lurked a dozen boxes of generic brand macaroni and cheese.

"It appears we have macaroni."

"Mac 'n cheese! Mac 'n cheese!"

Kanaya cringed. _No. Don't let him wear you down this easily. Be strong. Think of Equius. Or, better yet, just think of how strong he is, and not actually Equius, because he's sort of creepy._ "Okay. Let me see..." She took a box. "Oh, I can do this. I have made pot roasts. I have baked cakes. I have allowed broths to simmer until just the right time. I can make instant ramen with fake cheese."

"Mac 'n cheese!"

"Yes, yes. Gamzee." Gamzee snapped out of staring at his reflection in a dirty spoon. "Take him while I prepare this."

"Fuck, what am I supposed to do?"

"I do not know. Find something. Entertain him."

"I hear ya. Come on Brady. Let's go chill."

\------

Gamzee and Brady sat in Gamzee's respiteblock, which was littered with horns, empty bottles of Faygo, dirty clothes, and random trash. The walls were plastered with Clowns of a Grim Persuasion Which May not be in Full Possession of Their Mental Faculties poster, which Brady commented were mildly unsettling. They were kicking it pretty harsh to a song about magnets when Terezi kicked open the door.

"Kanaya tells me we have a guest!"

"What the bitchtits is up, Terezi? This here is Brady." Gamzee gestured. "He's the kid from the house across the street!"

Terezi thought. "That one with the yapbeast?"

"You motherfuckin' got it!" Gamzee leaned back and guzzled half a bottle of Faygo. Man, friendship, what a motherfucking miracle, and the way this Faygo tasted so good, and how the fuck did it do that hissing thing, that's a miracle, too, and how oxygen deprivation was causing him to black out. But it was cool. In fact, it was beautiful. So beautiful. Life is beautiful.

By the time Gamzee removed the bottle from his mouth and regained a rudimentary sense of awareness, he realized that, holy damn, he had spaced out again. Terezi was gone, and so was Brady. This did not bother Gamzee until he realized Terezi had just run off with the neighbor's kid.

"Aw, motherfuck." Gamzee stood and wobbled as his blood rushed from his head. "Woah..." The feeling made him utter a low giggle as he ambled down the hallway.


	2. In Which A Troll's Robot Goes Psycho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH I completely forgot I was still doing this. Talk about a Gamzee moment.  
> This chapter introduces probably the best thing in the world: Equiusbot.

**When we last left our hero, he had just discovered Brady was missing!**

"Equius?" Gamzee pounded his fist on a metal door with a ♐ neatly printed on it. "Equius?" Gamzee stood dumbly at the door until it occurred to him Equius had, in fact, left with Karkat to go grocery shopping. Shit, that was okay. If Equius wasn'-

A sliding bar shifted and two harsh red eyes stared out. "What?" a voice barked.

"What the motherfuck is up, Equiusbot?" Equius kept a robotic version of himself to watch the other robots, which was activated whenever Equius left a certain distance from the house. Due to a programming mishap, Equiusbot's personality was erratic, angry, and tended to draw random conclusions. For example:

"I'm looking for Terezi, because she has Brady, and-"

"Define Brady."

"Well, he's the neighbor's kid, a-"

"Terezi kidnaps neighborhood children."

"I wouldn't put it _that_ way, but-"

"Terezi is creating an unlawful situation, which could attract the attention of the authorities!" Equiusbot kicked down the door. "Current objective overwritten on the basis of Clause 4. New priority: located targets [Pyrope, Terezi] and [Last Name Unknown, Brady]."

"Well, fuck, I don't think it's _that_ big a fu-"

Something exploded downstairs; Feferi could be heard screaming "My face!"

Equiusbot froze and snapped his head to look downstairs. "Excess decibels and tinges of smoke in the immediate atmosphere detected indicates there has been an explosion in Room 031, designation [Kitchen]. Fire hazard is likely. Initiating proper response." Equiusbot's left hand folded into a nozzle and slid down the banister, rolled into the kitchen, and shouted "Identifying fire class: class A fire, ordinary combustibles. Responding appropriately." There was a _fwsssssh_ sound and an accompanying cloud of white foam. "All traces of fire eliminated. Damage is minimal to nonexistent. Objective completed."

"Augh!" Kanaya, brandishing a wooden mixing spoon, shoved Equiusbot out. "Get out of here!"

Equiusbot completely ignored Kanaya and marched up the stairs. It replaced Equius's door in its frame gently.

Kanaya called up: "The first pot appears to have combusted violently, so inform Brady it will be a while m-"

Equiusbot threw the door out of its way as he rëentered the the hallway, shoving Gamzee aside. "Current objective: locate targets [Pyrope, Terezi] and [Last Name Unknown, Brady]. Terezi is known to be armed and extremely dangerous. Proceed with caution." Equiusbot stormed off in the precise wrong way of Terezi's block.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothin'." Gamzee picked himself off the floor and stared into space for a moment. "I'mma go talk to Aradia."

"Sure, you go do that, Gamzee." She turned into the kitchen. "Now, Feferi, how serious are your burns?"

On Gamzee's way to the attic, Equiusbot blundered past. Judging by the fidusucker latched to its face, it had been in Tavros's room. "Alert! Alert!" it blared, then charged through a banister.

Gamzee laughed all the way up to the attic.

\------

The attic was cold (because nobody wanted to waste the money required to heat it), dusty (because nobody technically 'lived' in it), dark (because who puts lights in an attic?), and, above all spooky, mostly because Aradia lived in it.

The eleven other trolls all made Aradia live in the attic, and she was 0kay with this. As she had long since left her soulbot and her self prototyping undid itself at the end of Sgrub, she and resumed her creepy, dead, emotionless form. As such, nobody wanted to go anywhere near her except Equius and Kanaya (and this was only during the therapy sessions where Aradia and Equius attempted to discern if they were flushed or caliginous for each other), the occasional Nepeta, and Gamzee.

Gamzee stepped over a pile of mail (Aradia checked the mail every morning, and, unless something important was expected, nobody wanted to go and retrieve it) and called out "Hey, Aradia!"

Aradia's head turned ever so slightly. As usual, she was sitting on the grody old couch in front of a battered wooden table, staring intently (or disinterestedly?) at an ancient television that probably hadn't worked in twenty years, or probably the space behind it. For a Maid of Time, she sure did a whole lot of space staring. You know, since Kanaya was the Space player, you'd think she'd be doing all the space staring, but...

Gamzee stared off into space for minute while he contemplated this until he was brought back to Earth by a quiet "Gamzee." Gamzee shook his head; Aradia was now facing him. "What do you want?"

"Oh, uh, fuck. Give me a minute. I completely fuckin' forgot." Gamzee sat down on the couch, displacing a thick layer of dust. "Ya know, you've got a pretty fuckin' sweet pad up here. That TV work?"

"No."

"Oh. Uh, does that thing work?" Gamzee pointed to a filthy old washing machine in the corner, buried under unmarked cardboard boxes.

"No."

"That tape deck work?"

"No."

"Does anything work?"

"No."

"So what the motherfuck do you do up here all motherfuckin' day? Anything?"

"No."

"Uh. Wow, okay, I think."

"Mm."

"I'm just gonna...go...that way."

Gamzee stood and backed away from the couch, not realizing he had reached the stairs until he started falling down all of them, honking most of the way down.

\------

Gamzee casually strolled into the kitchen, stepping over Equiusbot (who was lying facedown in the middle of the greeting hall, sans fidusucker), and noticed many things: Feferi was facedown in the sink, for one thing; there was also the brownish lumps of stuff caked to the walls, floor, and ceiling in the immediate area of the oven; and there was also the pile of pots similarly covered in brown paste and empty macaroni boxes; and Kanaya, hunched over three boiling pots, stirring frantically.

"Woah. Woah. Woaaaaaah. What. The motherfuck. Happened?"

Kanaya's head turned. Her eyes were bloodshot with jade green, the corners of her mouth turned into a snarl, her makeup smeared. "I...will...finish...this."

"Uhhh...okay? Fuck." Gamzee backed into the greeting hall, palms pointed outward. "Shit, I'll be all the way over this fuckin' way if you need me." It was then when Terezi, galloping around on all fours with Brady on her back, burst out of a door with a sloppy ♎ painted on it, screaming.

"The magnificent beast places the small, feeble human child on her mighty back and flies off to the countryside!"

Brady howled.

"The powerful dragonyy'yd commands Gamzee to open the front door!"

"Gamzee's motherfuckin' got it!" Gamzee opened the door and Terezi barged out, down the front yard, and into the cul-de-sac. Gamzee closed the door, a content smile on his face. "Fuckin' miracles, all these people together as equals 'n shit."

He stood there for a moment. All was quiet. All was peaceful. Another motherfuckin' mir-

Equiusbot suddenly sat up. "Targets in the near vicinity," it babbled, stood, and threw open the door. "Targets located!" Equiusbot charged into the cul-de-sac, arms flailing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY TIME: I listened to Yes's "And You and I" while typing this. I had the volume turned up, was totally chilling, and then "Megalomaniac Trees" by Unexpect turned up in shuffle.  
> I just about pissed myself. I guess you could say the Unexpect song was...  
>  _UNEXPECTED_


	3. In Which Much Happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter of What Happened, yay life and things. I don't really have a whole lot to say about this, other than 'I like writing random carnage.'

**When we last left our heroes, Equiusbot was about to attack Terezi!**

 

"Gamzee's motherfuckin' got it!" Gamzee opened the door and Terezi barged out, down the front yard, and into the cul-de-sac. Gamzee closed the door, a content smile on his face. "Fuckin' miracles, all these people together as equals 'n shit."

He stood there for a moment. All was quiet. All was peaceful. Another motherfuckin' mir-

Equiusbot suddenly sat up. "Targets in the near vicinity," it babbled, stood, and threw open the door. "Targets located!" Equiusbot charged into the cul-de-sac, arms flailing.

"Oh no!" Terezi exclaimed. "The evil Hoofbeast Monster has begun chasing the noble dragonyy'yd and her human charge! She has no choice but to fight back!" She removed Brady from her back and took her cane from her Strife Deck. Both Equiusbot and Terezi leaped into the air, the former with its right arm curled back, ready to punch, the latter with her cane raised above her head. The neared, seeming to go in Dramatic Action Movie Scene Slow Motion™. Equiusbot began its punch, but Terezi's cane had greater range. She brought the cane down on Equiusbot's head with a dull metallic _WHUD_. Everything resumed normal speed as Equiusbot was spiked straight down and Terezi landed with a graceful roll.

Terezi turned and pointed her cane at as if it were a sword, and shouted "Watashi was shinen! Shinenzu!"

Equiusbot charged; Terezi neatly sidestepped, smashed Equiusbot in the face, then put the tip of her cane in its back. Again, Equiusbot went to the ground. It grabbed one of Terezi's legs, and the tip of her cane impaled its elbow, crushing its mechanics. The arm was useless from the elbow down.

"Extreme danger detected!" Equiusbot rolled away from Terezi and stood shakily. "Escaping to nearest safe location. Location acquired: zone 359: designation: [Neighbor Phil's House]."

Equiusbot ran.

\------

Phillip Lyle Gansükh, known to the trolls as Neighbor Phil, sat idly in his den, laying in an overstuffed armchair, thoughtfully reading a novel titled _How to Skin a Man Using Only a Halberd_. He sighed in content, turned a page, and made a _hmm_ noise. Hopefully, he thought, today would be free of those lunatics next door. It seemed like they're always ruining an otherwise fine day of reading or baking or pulverizing the everloving shit out of a training dummy. Maybe today would be a Good Day. Those were had to come by, but it only made them better. A day withou-

In the next room over, a dog barked.

"Peaches? Peaches, what is it?"

Phil's bulldog, Peaches, scampered in and whined. Phil knew that tone. That was the tone Peaches reserved for _them_. One of _them_ was coming to ruin what was shaping up to be a Good Day. He sighed, placed a fabric bookmark in _How to Skin a Man Using Only a Halberd_ , and selected an axe from the collection of ancient weaponry that hung from his den's wall.

Phil, a direct descendant of Attila the Hun, waited before his front door, axe in hand.

\------

Equiusbot charged toward Neighbor Phil's front door and did not stop when it reached it, nor did it stop when it plowed through, leaving an Equius-shaped hole, but it did eventually stop when Neighbor Phil swung his axe into Equiusbot's face. The robot stumbled backwards, fell on his back, sparked once, and shut off. Neighbor Phil wrenched his axe from the robot head and pulled the entire head off while he was at it, holding the axe above his head while he uttered an ancient Mongol war cry, an action Peaches was all too happy with doubling.

Making sure his fluffy bathrobe was secure, Phil began to make his way next door.

\------

After the uncannybrutal thrashing Terezi had given Equiusbot, everybody had gone inside. Terezi felt the need to shower after all the LARPing that had been happening, and gave Brady to Kanaya, who had not only regained her motherly composure, but had half succeeded in crafting a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

"These cheeses are brown!"

"It's the last box we had, Brady, and it's still edible." Kanaya thought for a moment. "I'm fairly sure, anyway."

Brady was halfway through repeating his previous statement when wood splintered, and, with a scream, the front door was ripped from its hinges. Gamzee, through the window above the sink where Feferi was still slumped over, saw their front door with a heavy axe embedded in it fly through the air and land with a clatter in the cul-de-sac.

"Where is the one who looks like this‽" Neighbor Phil held out Equiusbot's head and realized nobody was around to see him. He scratched his chin and peered into the kitchen. Finding three people, he thrust the head out and repeated himself: "Where is the one who looks like this‽"

Brady began bawling.

" _Now_ look what you've done!" Kanaya threw her hands up in disgust. "He was as close to happy as burned pasta could get him, and then _you_ come in here waving around Equiusbot's head, a-"

"He has deactivated the master!" Three of Equius's generic robots tackled Phil.

"Augh!" Phil went to one knee, then grabbed an assailant by the head and threw it into the living room. A humanoid dent was left in the wall. Two robots still on him, Phil stumbled in the living room and brought the TV down on the second robot, then chucked the whole thing out the window and into a row of hedges. The third robot removed itself from Phil and landed on the couch. The robot's hands folded into saws and a preprogrammed line recorded from an Earth movie was spat from a low quality speaker:

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"

Phil charged. The robot jumped up and over, then brought the saws down. The couch was partially sawed in half, but where was Phil?

Phil came up and over the sofa, delivering a foot to the robot's face and tearing the couch completely in half. The robot crumbled in a heap in the corner; Phil bellowed another war cry.

"Chill, my motherfucker." Gamzee ambled into the room, stepping over couch stuffing. "Here, take a motherfuckin' hit of this."

Phil eyed the pie tin full of green sludge. "What-"

"Gamzee, where did you acquire sopor slime?"

"Relax, Kanaya. I motherfuckin' got this under all the motherfuckin' wraps the Mirthful Messiahs can spare."

Kanaya shook her head at Phil sampling Gamzee's baking, made a mental note to check his room for an Easy Bake Oven, let loose and exasperated sigh, and tended to Brady.

 **4.372207506*10^19/87444150122422422413612 hours later...**

"Woah, man. Just... _man._ " That was about the vocabularic maximum Phil could summon while high on sopor: _woah_ (and variants thereof), _man_ , _just_ , and sometimes a _dude_. Gamzee didn't blame him as he took a swig of Faygo and passed the bottle. He was inexperienced, but he would learn. All in due time.

"Motherfuck, man. And not two hours ago you were about to rip out our motherfuckin' think pans and serve 'em to us on motherfuckin' silver nutrition plateaus."

"Man, I...wait..." Ancient bloodlust began to reassert itself over sopor. "Rend...flesh..."

"Motherfuck, man, you're gettin' sweatier than Equius."

The troll's name floated around in Phil's mind, bounced off **REND KILL DESTROY** , flitted between **IN THE NAME OF THE HORDE** and a snickerdoodle recipe, passed by _milk, eggs, yogurt, Crazy Sugar Gobs (the only cereal with gobs of gobs!™), bread_ , and finally merged with **TEAR HIS FLESHY HEAD OFF AND CRUSH IT LIKE A GRAPE**.

Phil stared dumbly into space as his mind rewired itself. As a synapse clicked into what was probably the right place, he crushed the offered Faygo bottle in his hands ("Aww, motherfuck...") and stood. "Where is the Equius troll‽"

The doorbell rang. Kanaya bustled in and answered it, expecting Brady's father. Instead, it was the headless torso of Equiusbot, every weapon Equius had crammed into its body out and bristling. Though headless, Equiusbot was still able to communicate via a tiny internal speaker. "Eliminate target [Gansükh, Phil]," it babbled. Its right hand, currently what appeared to be a laser cannon, fired blindly upwards.

"Motherfuck!" Gamzee was startled from his sopor stupor. "What's goin' on here?"

"Target acquired!" Equiusbot pushed past Kanaya and stomped towards Phil. "Initiating attack pattern [D-->%100100001]!"

In response to the slowly shambling robot, Phil broke a leg off a nearby table and jammed it through Equiusbot's torso. He ripped another one off and used it was a bat, knocking Equiusbot up and back to the second floor into Karkat's room. The robot sparked feebly a few times, then died. Before it died, a few connections got scrambled, and its last objective came out as 'Eliminate target: [Last Name Unknown, Brady].'

Half a dozen generic robots stormed down the stairs and hoisted Brady above their heads. Brady laughed, enjoying the attention.

Kanaya began shouting at the robots, who stood stupidly in the kitchen. Gamzee was trying to offer Phil another Faygo while Phil vented ancient Mongolian bloodlust by doing his best to remove the carpet in the living room. A electrical fire started in Karkat's room. Terezi stepped out of the bathroom and cackled at the chaos. Among all this, a feeble voice cut through:

"Wuh-what's going on here?"

Brady's father was leaning against the open doorframe, surveying the damage. "I-wuh-where's Brady?"

"Daddy!" Brady disentangled himself from the robots' grip and wrapped himself around his father's leg.

"Wha-what the-" Brady's dad looked from Kanaya to Gamzee to Kanaya again to the robots to Neighbor Phil (who was now throwing Karkat's DVD collection at framed photos on the walls) to Gamzee again to the smoke starting to seep out of Karkat's room. A sudden revelation dawned on him. "You-yuh-you're not human!"

Gamzee swilled the Faygo he was holding. "Fuck, we never said we were."

Brady's dad glanced around, panicked. "Oh. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God..." He began the closest thing to a run he could muster with Brady around his leg, which was more like a hurried waddle. He chanted "oh God" the entire way back across the street, up his driveway (which had a shiny new mailbox), and through his front door, which he bolted.

It was quiet again, save for Phil chewing the carpet tacks. One of the robots suddenly announced "unknown target has apprehended target [Last Name Unknown, Brady]!"

A second one chimed in: "retrieve and eliminate target [Last Name Unknown, Brady] at all costs!"

The other four cried "huzzah!" and charged out. Phil, mistaking this for an action against him, knocked two together and smashed the head off a third. The remaining three barged across the street and began politely knocking on Brady's door. Neighbor Phil cooled down, realizing a) he had succumbed to unfathomable bloodlust again, and b) he was only wearing his pink lounging bathrobe, escaped out the front door. The fidusucker that had been missing leaped out of the bushes and latched onto Neighbor Phil's face. He screamed under the Alternian fauna and ran blindly into the cul-de-sac. Kanaya ran out after him: "Wait! I can help! His name is Rufio; tickle him under the third left leg! Phillip! Phillip! I can _help_!"

Gamzee smiled, looked down at the Faygo in his hand, kicked that fucking wicked elixir down, sat, crossed his legs, and spaced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun facts!: Firefox spellcheck did not recognize:  
> -Phil's  
> -snickerdoodle  
> -spellcheck  
> -bloodlust  
> -Brady's  
> -doorframe  
> -Faygo


	4. In Which it Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screaming god fuck mother of shitting tool balls on fire, why has it been two months since I've updated this? Hopy shit.

**When we last left our heroes, Gamzee was motherfuckin' spacin' out 'n shit!**

"Gamzee," a voice hissed. Gamzee began to pull himself out of his largely rainbow-themed dreams and slowly refocused in front of him, but found his vision blocked by an extremely angry Karkat not inches away.

"Woah, what the motherfuck is up, my motherfuckin' motherfucker?"

"Gamzee. What. The hell. Happened?"

"Well..."

Karkat let go of Gamzee's shirt and the Capricorn fell on his back. "No. Fuck that. What I find to be more pressing is the current state of the living room, or how about how some of Equius's stupid fucking robots are taking apart someone's house, or, oh! I know! How about the fact that _my fucking block is on fire._ " He wandered into the kitchen to get a better look at the carnage. "And what the sweet steaming fuck happened in here? Why is Feferi in the sink?"

Feferi was still, indeed, where she had been hours prior, only slumped over and obviously unconscious. She probably wasn't breathing.

"Fuck, man, I don't know." Gamzee tottered into the kitchen with Karkat. "That dude across the street asked me to motherfuckin' babysit his grub and Equiusbot did some shit, and Neighbor Phil was here, and..." He trailed off. "Hey, man, your block is on fire."

" _Fuuuuck!_ " Karkat ran up the stairs, as if just realizing this. "What the bulgesniffing fuck is Equiusbot doing in here?"

Sollux entered through the lack of a front door. "Woah. What the hell happened here?"

"I was just trying to explain to my motherfucker Karkat, and-"

Nepeta bounded in, the rest of the grocery crew behind her, carrying whatever deli products they had salvaged. "Wow!" She skidded to a halt. "Why is everything in a mess? Why is Feferi in the sink?"

"Equius!" Karkat descended the stairs in a divine fury. "Tell me, in _all_ your grand highblood wisdom, why your fucking robots made a mess out of this goddamn hive!"

The best Equius could come up with was a shrug.

Kanaya walked in, holding half of Rufio. "Tavros, your fiduspawn attacked Neighbor Phil."

"Aww, not again. Where's the, uh, other half?"

"He ate it."

"Oh."

"Karkat, your block is on fire."

"Gogdammit, Aradia, I kno- _Kanaya what are you doing?_ "

Kanaya looked up from her phone. "Calling the fire and police departments. It is only logical in a situation where the hive is on fire and-"

"You don't get it! We are _wanted by the police for vandalizing Walmart and we probably killed a guy in a shopping cart related explosion!_ "

"Area City Police Department, how can I help you?"

"Oh. Well. Fuck."

\------

From police report 359666, Filed May 11th, 2011:  
"Claimants from house 2422 Fig Drive are suspected in the various charges of theft, assault, destruction of private property, and vandalism at the following locations: Walmart 6279, 2423 Fig Drive, 2428 Fig Drive. Suspect Karkat Vantas was apprehended when trying to take out insurance claims on suspect's vehicle and home.

Suspect/claimant is displeased to find home insurance does not cover 'extensive [...] robot damage.'"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up spacing the chapters for this story really terribly so hey, look, short!chapter.
> 
> Up next: _SOME TROLLS FORM A BAND! WHAT WACKY HIJINKS ENSUE? THINGS, I GUESS_

**Author's Note:**

> Perhaps I should explain: Uranus and Jupiter was a comic series I planned, but never produced, about the planets living in a neighborhood. Uranus, Jupiter, and Ceres rented one house from Sol. Uranus was a tosspot, Jupiter was Alan Harper to Charlie Sheen, so to speak, and Ceres was a lazy, sarcastic, couch potato. It was presented as a sitcom in comic format. The problem with it was I had no idea how to get beyond the first comic, so here it in a cameo I'm taking far too long to explain.


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